Be the reason someone soars!

So often we see people crippling loved ones, especially their children; making them dependent on a toxic drama filled relationship. Turning them into people unable to function as grown ups. Lacking in self worth, lacking in confidence. Filled with so much fear they can’t pursue their dreams. Sometimes they have no dreams because all resilience has been broken down and no skills were ever built to make a PACT with themselves and the universe for a truly meaningful life. 

These children grow big not knowing they need to find their Passion and Purpose. Unable to ACT as all Ambition Courage and Tenacity has been stripped from them by vicious tongues that denigrate, belittle and wound; words that should be loving are instead used as weapons, emotional blackmail to manipulate accompanied in a package of twisted love so that the person subjected to it has difficulty in finding good healthy friendships and relationships; and if they do manage, they behave so appallingly that the relationship dies or becomes toxic replicating what they grew big with.

How wondrous is it when you selflessly love and strengthen another person and they choose to stay in your life? And if they spread their wings and fly, you find joy in knowing that a little bit of your loving kindness is soaring with them. 

 

Sitting in judgement

Listening to some new and newish mums talking today I am feeling frustrated. Why are women so ready to sit in judgement of other women? So willing to participate in their own subjugation and of others? All three women are committed to bringing up their children with love and respect. Instead of loving kindness and support they are awash in a sea of judgement.

The judgements that fell harshly on them? One co-sleeps, one had such a difficult time and lack of support breast feeding that she changed to bottle and the other likes to still work part time.

What do I see? Three amazingly strong women juggling children; managing parents, in-laws, friends and “well”-meaning bystanders telling them how they “should” be doing things; coping with sleepless nights; meeting partners needs and wants; all while trying to keep just a little bit of sanity.

What do I think? It’ll take 25 years to know who raised their kids the “right” way. And who are we to judge or wish for a definitive. Think about it. In wanting to be right that means a child is going to grow up unable to function in society. In wanting “your” way to be the “right” way (the only correct way) you are wishing an unhappy life full of suffering on a child.

I co slept, bottle fed, and worked. I was the original party girl too. Dragged my kids from pillar to post pursuing my career. Everyone tut tutted me. My kids have turned out fine. So if you are struggling with people passing judgement on you, ask them to come back in 30 years. Inside yourself lock away the knowledge that you are being the best parent you can be. This is your journey, your path. So long as you make conscious choices, STEPUP when required and own all consequences then you will live a life with meaning and you will pass this attitude and skill on to your children. And that is the greatest gift you can give.

Happy Mother’s Day … Or grin and bear it day?

I came across this post this morning. It really challenged me and I felt disloyal to my mother even reading it. My mother and I have a great relationship that is touched with moments of awkwardness. Mostly because she doesn’t understand me and lacks the skills to understand me. Sometimes in a darker, less charitable moment, I think she doesn’t want to understand me. But I know that is only because her life would be easier for her if I fitted the mould of what a daughter should be. What I do know is that she is incredibly proud of me, and even though she can’t understand how I am “happy”, she is pleased that I feel I live a life with meaning and fulfillment.

For me, I confess that in my early 20s I really didn’t like or respect my mum very much. The whole, I should stay home and bake, 1950s housewife model never ever appealed to me. I wanted to be a trailblazing career women in a black suit. It was a very intense time of my life. I am incredibly honest and have always sought to live my life with honesty and (later) integrity. I agonised over cutting my mother out of my life and the lives of my children. I realised then that I had two choices … a life without a mother or a life with occasional (and not-so-occasional) moments of biting my tongue. Fortunately for me I chose life with the tongue biting. I decided to accept my mother for who she is. Warts and all, you could say. And how glad am I that I did. Once I stopped measuring her against my ideal, I discovered a wonderfully generous (if somewhat sexist) woman, who has turned out to be an amazing grandmother and great-grandmother.

So for all of you out there struggling with horrible and not-so-horrible mothers, perhaps see her against the backdrop of her upbringing and her own relationship with her mother. Think about how that might have impacted her and your relationship. And remember always that we aim to meet all challenging people with loving kindness and the challenges they throw at us with equanimity. Only by owning our part in the relationship can we know peace. The choice to be present in that relationship allows the little taunts and digs, and the odd public humiliation, and the sometimes complete and utter lack of their ability to understand and accept you to no longer matter.

Of course, some people are truly toxic and there may come a time in your respective meanderings where you need to wander without each other. If this is the path you feel compelled to take, try to do it without acrimony on your behalf. Own the decision and explain why you are making it. And only do it once, and be absolutely resolute about the changes you require before repairing and rebuilding the relationship. And be fair, there will be changes that your mother may request, and you need to hear those requests and consider them. Lastly, if you are a mother yourself, remember, your children will model their relationship with you on your relationship with your mother.

For those of you that have fabulous mothers, I am so happy for you. And for those of you that are missing their mothers, who are either far far away or have moved on to the next cycle, hold that love in your heart and let it be a beacon of light in your life and the lives of those around you.

**LoveAndLight**

#choices #stepup #ownit #mothers #relationships #family #meanderings #wanderings